Heather and I celebrated our second anniversary yesterday. We agree that marriage has been wonderful and sanctifying. Besides Christ, Heather is the clearest picture of grace for me. So after two years of marriage, we've decided to share what little wisdom we have gathered. I understand this list is amateur and could be completely opposite given twenty more years of marriage. But hopefully these reflections can benefit those single and looking for marriage, dating and considering marriage, or engaged and waiting to be married. So here are five things I've learned from two years of marriage.
1. Love is best unconditional.
I do not love Heather for any reason. This may be shocking for you, but if you ask me why I love my wife, my best reply is this: "I love her because I love her." Certainly I could say it's because of her inspiring humility or constant servant attitude; or maybe because of her stunningly good looks and her gorgeous eyes; I could even say because of her support and love towards me. But I do not love her for any of these reason. I like her for these reasons. But I do not love her for any reason. That would be conditional love.
Conditional love means in order for a spouse to maintain the love they receive, they must keep up the conditions for that love. This adds pressure, tension, and fear to a relationship. Instead, we strive for unconditional love towards each other that God the Father models to us. In this way, we know, no matter what, we love each other. Through changes, through honesty, through moves, moods, arguments, and Saturday mornings in our pajamas, there is always love.
2. It's never personal.
Plain and simple, every argument, each angry moment, each mistake and misunderstanding, it's never personal. If Heather doesn't want me to go somewhere or if I forget to do the dishes, we have no intention of ever personally attacking each other. Remembering this makes every argument (there will be arguments) shorter and have less potential for explosion and pain.
3. You'll get out what you put in.
My wife and I are dog people. We enjoy training our dogs and talking about how other people train their dogs (or not). When I was a professional dog trainer, the people that annoyed me the most were those that put zero time and effort into training their dogs and came in looking for the solution in a magic cue or an hour with a trainer. Sorry, that's not how it works. In dog training, you'll get out what you put in.
Same thing with marriage. It would be foolish to not spend any time with my wife or put any effort into our relationship for a month and then wonder why our relationship is failing. If you have a bad relationship, it's quite possible you haven't been putting much into it.
4. Humans are boring and lazy.
Why is going to the movies such a popular date? Because humans are not interesting enough to go on too many dates without external entertainment. No matter how interesting you think your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiance, or spouse is, they are boring. If you're waiting for marriage and dream of every waking moment simply staring into your spouse's eyes, you're a glutton for boredom. The fun of a relationship will wear off because humans are boring.
Humans are also naturally lazy. This is our default state. You may think that your future spouse is anything but lazy since he works out constantly or she studies all the time. But what happens when you ask him to do something from which he gets no physical benefit or you ask her to do something that does not help her achieve her goals? Laziness.
This is not a knock on Heather or me. This is simply the fact of the matter. So do yourself a favor, and don't expect anything different. Humans are boring; humans are lazy.
But it doesn't have to be that way because...
5. Marriage is not about you or your spouse.
It's about Christ. Relationships fail when people enter them looking to get something for themselves. They'll last for a while, but there's not enough to give. Being boring is a condition of our insufficiency and being lazy is a condition of our selfishness. Jesus is the only real cure for both. So marriage isn't about just loving someone and being loved; it's about loving Christ because He first loved us. Only then will we have hope to live for something greater than ourselves and greater than each other. Only then will we see the benefit of not being lazy in sanctifying ourselves to be more like Christ.
Marriage is all about the glory of Christ. The more I've realized that in my two years of marriage, the more joy and enjoyment I find in marriage.
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I pray this list was of benefit to you. I'd love to hear how you would change it or add to it in the comments.
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